Tool – Calendar / Year of Firsts

The “Year of Firsts” is how we describe the first twelve months after your loss. This period is also what I sometimes refer to as “Fresh Grief”.

This is a time for mourning. If you are currently in your year of firsts, you don’t need to worry about anything except giving yourself the love and support that you truly need at this time. You may find yourself approaching specific dates that make the loss feel even more difficult. Birthdays, anniversaries, holidays and milestones can all be overwhelming and difficult to navigate

• For some, the days leading up to those special dates can be more difficult
• Even after the first year, those same special dates, including the anniversary of the death itself, can create a lot of pain
• Sometimes you don’t even know what dates will affect you until you are in the middle of the day, and that’s perfectly ok.
• It’s important to acknowledge when you are feeling challenged and overwhelmed.

If the person died on a major holiday, it could make that holiday (or any major holiday) a trying time. When everyone else is decorating, enjoying the anticipation and activities leading up to the celebrations, you are dreading the upcoming date. Instead of celebrating and living the collective excitement, you are reliving memories and thinking about the pain that now surrounds the day. You may find it difficult to engage with others who are having a wonderful experience. It can make the pain and loneliness feel worse.

Having a calendar to mark those specific dates can be helpful. If you’re a planner, you have the opportunity to mark out some time where you give yourself space to prepare. If you see that you are going to have a few specific dates very close in sequence, you can make sure those dates are marked so you can plan to give yourself some extra support.

You could address these new days in many ways

• Plan out a special day for remembrance
• Plan a day where you do something completely different. Instead of spending the day outside in the sun at the annual picnic, you could head indoors to a movie, or spend some time in an activity that is nurturing to you. Even quiet time at home can be the small break you need
• If you have a calendar with some extra space on the page, you could write out your special plans, write a message to the person who died, take notes on your feelings or create a picture that matches what you’re feeling on the inside
• Planning ahead for holidays and birthdays not only allows you to prepare for those events, but also provides ongoing and open communication between friends and family members about how to approach the new changes
• If you’re helping support others with this first year (including children), please remember the oxygen mask rule: “secure your own mask first before assisting children or others”.